The Official Rules of the Euro Cyclist
(I believe our coach might actually live by some of these, I shall highlight the matches)
1. Image and style shall be your primary concern. When suffering, one must focus first on maintaining a cool, even composure, and second on performance. Winning races is an added talent, and only counts if said euro cyclist wins with appropriate style.
2. You shall NEVER, under any circumstances, wear plain black spandex bibs (shorts, regardless of colour are BANNED) or any team kit containing non-prominent Logo's. Shorts will extend approximately 2/3rds of the way down the upper leg and will contain a compression band at the bottom distinct in colour. In NO CONDITION shall they extend any further! ABSOLUTELY NO SLEEVELESS KITS nor ankle socks allowed. No exceptions. Socks must extend stylishly above the shoe, tan line a plus.
3. Legs will be SHAVED year-round. ABSOLUTELY NO EXCEPTIONS. Certain hair removal creams are endorsed only on a case-by-case basis. One shall never show up to a race (large or small) with ANY AMOUNT of stubble visible on legs.
4. A prominent line where your kit ends and where your tan begins is essential to your image. Artificial tanning is BANNED. The tan SHALL reflect the level of training commitment.
5. Cycling shoes must contain at least 80% white! The following exceptions apply…i) Colours combinations such as world cup stripes, or Olympic gold where title has been EARNED.ii) Shoes which are custom-made for specific riders by companies endorsed by this group. These shoes will be accessible to the particular cyclist only, and shall follow the preceding rules.
6. Your bike frame must contain 2-4 colours IN ADDITION TO WHITE. All colours are acceptable as long as they combine tastefully. In addition to this, wheel selection must also match frame and fork.
7. ALL wheels shall be equipped with tubulars, regardless of your ability in gluing them.
8. Ridiculously stylish eyewear (see endorsed products list) is to be worn at all time without exception. Glasses are to be worn over helmet straps at all times.
9. Hair shall be kept neatly short, and matching helmet shall be worn (again with prominent logo placement). Under NO CIRCUMSTANCES shall a clashing helmet colour be worn with your euro kit. Helmets are not to be worn when venturing indoors at any time. It is, however, acceptable to wear your helmet while outdoors on a patio. (see rule 34)
10. Handlebar tape is required to be cork as well as being WHITE IN COLOUR. Bar tape will be kept in pristine white condition. This state shall be achieved either through daily cleansing or frequent replacement. These jobs will NEVER be performed by the cyclist as you must maintain your image.
11. A rider will ALWAYS have liniment applied to his legs before appearing in public.
12. You shall NEVER, under any circumstances, acknowledge the presence of a cyclist riding a bike costing less than €2000 in a public place. This could be severely detrimental to your image.
13. ABSOLUTELY NO FORM of seatbag, frame pump, mud guard or mirror shall come within 2 meters of your bike.
14. Coffee is a necessity and as such must be consumed strong (ie. espresso) on a patio in Italy in full kit, it shall be drunk black. Sugar is STRONGLY FROWNED UPON. The only milk present shall appear frothed on top (if at all).
15. Post-race, you shall be tied to your mobile phone, receiving endless calls from your attractive euro-girlfriend or important ad executives concerning modeling contracts. This will be done under the protection of the post race gazebo.
16. Motivational music during training shall consist of late 90s house or deep-trance hard-style German techno hereby known as 'euro beats'. NO EXCEPTIONS.
17. A gold pendant on a very long, thin chain bearing some form of religious icon is STRONGLY recommended for mountain races.
18. When appearing in a photo spread for sponsor's products, you have the option of appearing fully nude, in your team kit, or in full Brioni 3 piece suits (nothing else). Smiling is prohibited in these instances.
19. When asked "how are you?" while riding you must proceed with one of the following...-Complain about coming off a sickness.- Explain you're peaking for bigger races later in the season- Mention that this is a "recovery ride"-That you are on the tail end of your daily 6 hour training ride
20. When climbing anything with a gradient above 20% and lasting over 8 kilometers, you are required to fully unzip your jersey and let it flutter freely in the wind.
21. Team-building motivational camps will be held annually in the off-season. These are to place team members in as ridiculous a setting as possible. Photos will be widely reproduced to demonstrate team cohesion....